pull me down south

Here is all this goodness. In so many different forms. If I believed in god, I would ask him to grant me the talent and the courage to show other people how to see it. but it’s just because we all have so much money here that we can have most of these joys. There is beauty in people. There is. Anywhere there are people there is a goodness that can be radiated. Why can’t we just do it a little bit simpler here?? Why do we have to go through all these drastic measures to roll back our heads and laugh like we didn’t know we could? Meanwhile my head is exploding, I am still feeling the effects of last night drowning my brain. Making my eyes dart back and forth between the window to outside and what I know I’ve done wrong, which lies in my heart.

How can I let myself have this?
I let myself have this because I am a hypocrite. I would love to convince myself that out of all of it I can emerge a virtuous person. That I can still be that ignorant little girl I was two years ago is simply a test of talent. I wish.

When this computer no longer lasts I will recycle it and it will be taken to china where children take it a part under extremely hazardous conditions to reuse the metals and the tiny little chips inside. They won’t be wearing masks and they’ll get the inks and chemicals all over their hands.

And I will buy a new computer.

How can we let ourselves have this.

My blood is coming out of my skin. My veins in my wrist are pulling me pulling me elsewhere. Pulling me down south. To a place where people don’t forget they’ll someday die.

i am so happy and i have done nothing for it. sometimes i just want to carry it all to sleep with me.