snow white

Over the past two weeks I have had some wonderful experiences with people I hardly knew a month ago. And at the same time, I’ve pushed others away. As I sit here on valentine’s day, I keep thinking of a scene all too appropriate for the evening. That movie where they have their minds made empty, and in that one scene when they’re underneath the yellow sheets he says, “please just let me keep this one.”

It is interesting to me that the more people I hurt, the less I see in everyone else. Crowds of people and suddenly everyone is just untouchable. Maybe it’s because the more terrible you become, the harder it is to convince yourself you’re still capable of loving like you used to.

I have been turning my life into my favorite songs, wasting all this time I strangely have this quarter, making less sense of anything than more. Finally there is no song to which I can apply my life, thank god. And I am forced to reconcile the struggles in my head independently.

I love this cold. Beautiful night sky. A cold cold winter, all of us lying in a room as waves of electronic music pulse in the air. All smoking and inebriated, only human after all. I recently heard a talk about how it is only natural to drink beer and celebrate the change it brings over us all, the connections between humans formed inevitably because of it. There’s no way this speaker had risen above the reality of alcoholism, but I find myself only able to agree with him.

Since I read Ishmael, I keep telling myself that we are no more than the creatures we have selfishly awarded ourselves. These acts of god and sense of entitlement is the most dreadful act of man, and yet over the centuries it only multiplies throughout, into, and among us. It has become the natural world, but to remove yourself, to make things so simple also seems to strip them of their meaning.

For christ’s sake…it feels good to listen to electronic music. In fact, it feels better than classical music most of the time. How much more proof do we need that we’ve become something else entirely. Our DNA hasn’t been real for decades.
I’ve recently heard these past 200 years have been given a new name because of how much we’ve altered the world—the anthropogenic age…something like that.

All I can see in humans is our ability to love. Our most endearing quality. And yet I am so turned off by almost anything that tries to state it bluntly. Buttons, t-shirts, things like that. Not because they are materialistic, I guess I just can’t see the point in showing off what you believe; to remind people of the power of love is futile, you have to live it instead. But in the end, you can’t love them all.

What’s that Beatles lyric? In the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make. God damn. I can’t believe that band, and I have to admit that my minimal knowledge of john lennon gives me a hell of a lot of hope. At the same time, I hate this idea of taking love. How could a person even think something up like that? That it’s taken. I guess sharing is just a process of taking and giving, though, right?