i am the clasp on a tragic chain of events. which i trigger within myself every so often, right after happiness, and then one song, and then another and another until i'm back three or four years in my bedroom in morgantown with all the lights shut off, the curtains taped shut, and one cd for hours. and high school.
all this figuring everything out, all this absolute confusion of teenage years, such gigantic changes having no context WHATSOEVER. no history lesson before it all. and then him and something stable and something i'd heard of before and something that felt right and made sense and fit. and waited, and made me wait in return. and the wait was worth it because i proved love to myself.
someone tell me something that makes me more willing to forget people. i have a mission i have a faith of some sort, i'm sure you could conjure something up that fits into it and it would make sense and i could be a little bit more free from myself. i could make it make sense to myself, but i've got to hear it first.
control.
something 600 miles away and two years ago is controlling everything i do today.
why do we hang on to what was. why does it have so much significance in our lives today? because that's how we came to be this way. our personal history, our ultimate, inherent ego.
because it was first. and god how i hate it's so much easier to come up with all the justifications for why the first should remain the only the best, that nothing else ever could be.
i see the difference between death and loss.
"and not since you left, have the waves come." my mouth goes dry. i become convinced i'm going to die tomorrow, i forget living for today because today is just a few more hours without you. the rest of my life just a few more years as the entirety of sans.
everything shifts. behind, beside, but it does not tear out from underneath me like i wish it would. i'm asking for an earthquake.
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